Personal Pride Cycle and Sacrifice

I've been thinking about my life and how great it's going. Everything is so wonderful; I feel so much peace and joy, and the spirit is so strong in our home. I was thinking about why it's all going so great and whether I ought to be bracing myself for the let-down after this spiritual high. Ever since my teenage years, I've gone through a pattern of relatively regular ups and downs spiritually. I would get on one of these spiritual highs through some special spiritual experience. I would feel excited and motivated and ready to do everything the Lord would have me do. It would go well for a while, and I would see my life improving... until everything fell apart. All my good intentions and high hope would come crashing down. It was like each of these good times was a fragile house of cards and I could never seem to make them last.

By college, I had pretty much accepted that this was how life was: sometimes we do really well and feel really strong spiritually, and sometimes we have crises of faith. I figured that this must be what the whole "enduring to the end" thing was about. This idea was backed up by what I had seen and heard from others. I knew that it was normal to have emotional highs and lows, but I desperately wanted to believe that it was possible to stay in good place spiritually all the time so that you could better handle the emotional ups and downs. This is what the scriptures and prophets seemed to teach.

Well, I'm here to say, it is possible! I know that most of you reading this will already know that, but I've learned it for myself. I've been doing pretty consistently great spiritually since last Summer, and things have gotten especially awesome in the last month or so. I've never been happier in my life, and I now know that I don't have to expect a let down.

This became clear to me when it occurred to me that I had been experiencing my own personal little pride cycle. I would begin to do the right things, the things I had been taught my whole life I should do, and my life would get really good. But then I would start to rely on myself and think so well of myself, thinking "Wow, look what I can do!" Then my house of cards would fall, because I needed to be taught humility. (I also believe I failed in part because I needed a greater portion of the Spirit in my life, but I'll address this idea below.)

The exciting thing about this is that we can observe the pattern of pride cycles in the Book of Mormon and although there are many times that the Nephites and Lamanites go back and forth between wickedness and righteousness, there are also times when many generations pass away in righteousness. This gives me so much hope! I don't need to expect ups and downs spiritually. If I'm doing the right things consistently, I too can be "firm and steadfast."

Around the same time as I came to this discovery, I had been pondering another question: What has been different in the last six months that has made everything go so smoothly and well? The obvious answer is that I have been trying harder to establish gospel habits, and Heavenly Father has been blessing us. But why is it working this time when it hasn't so many times before? Also, am I just lucky or somehow especially blessed to have time to do all these spiritually uplifting things when I didn't before? I do believe that it is a blessing, but I believe that it was predicated on my choices.

I realized this when I remembered that last Summer what got me started on this spiritual high was when I chose to give up my TV shows. I was really addicted to many less-than-worthy television shows, and I would sometimes waste hours watching them. What I found even more disturbing was that I seemed to spend all of my down time thinking about them as well. In many ways, my life was centered around them. I forget what the catalyst was, but I decided to sacrifice my addiction to TV in hopes to use my time better and have a greater portion of the spirit.

It worked. My sacrifice was acceptable to God and He blessed me for it. I was able to use all this extra time that I now had to do all those things I knew I should be doing, like studying the scriptures and praying, reading conference talks, and taking better care of my baby.

Now, it's important to recognize that I'm not preaching that no one should watch TV. There's not necessarily anything inherently evil about TV and there's no commandment that says "Thou shalt not watch TV." But everything you do or participate in has an influence on you. I began to recognize what a negative influence these shows were on me and I chose, by cutting ties with them, to take that influence in my life away from television and give it to God.

I have experienced the same thing as I have chosen to sacrifice watching the TV when I'm bored, playing Facebook games, and surfing the web. What has happened is that I don't do as many things that drive away the spirit, and it makes time for me to do many things that invite the spirit. Thus, I feel a strong, consistent, constant peace and joy, no matter what happens. I intend to continue sacrificing the unnecessary and worldly things that I love for something I want more and for the One I love more.

I feel that I have put my life in Heavenly Father's hands and that He is purifying me and shaping me into the woman He would have me be. To put it in terms I've used before, I feel I have begun to cast away the identity of the natural woman in me and God has clothed me with a new identity, that of His daughter and a princess in His kingdom. As I stay faithful to the things I now know are true, I know I will someday become a Queen.